What's eating you ?

When starting my blog, I wanted it to be honest, first and foremost. Documenting both the ups and the downs of trying to be and eat healthy. Today fit into the latter category. For the majority of my day, I would have loved to do nothing more than to crawl into some deep, dark cave and reemerge a week later. My day started off pretty hectic, not unusual of Mondays but this one was bad. My phone died sometime during the night, so I didn't wake up until about 7:30, this may sound early to most, but I'm usually on my first bus by this time. I wound up not getting to my second bus stop until about 8:50. I had to be at work by 8:30 this morning, but I was still trying to look at the bright side of things, at least I didn't have a student or a meeting first period. Hungry, I run into Le Pain Quotidien on the corner of 20th street, to grab a bit to eat while I waited for the bus.

Big mistake. I reached for the carrot muffin and swallowed about 400 calories in the span of minutes. But whatever, I told myself, I had to eat.... As soon as I hit the door of the OT house ( my job), my mood plummeted. I felt like there was a rock in my chest and I felt butterflies in my stomach. My usual strategies for getting through rough days (checklists and finding joy in the small things) weren't working, and by the end of fourth period I was seriously exhausted by trying to make myself feel better. Trouble spot 2: Safeway for lunch. On my way there, I called my sister for a quick pick me up, but as soon I hung up, my mood crashed again.

I wound up leaving Safeway with a SmartOne's frozen lunch and a Jalapeno and Cheddar bagel. A container of fries and a Starbuck's hot chocolate almost made it into my basket, but luckily I was low on cash. Can you guys tell that I'm an emotional eater yet? The Salmon sandwich ( Salmon and mayo on the Jalapeno bagel, sounds yucky I know) made me feel better. But as soon as I had to get back to work, the rock returned to the center of my chest, and that jerk that sometimes resides in my head returned full force telling me that I'm not good enough for whatever reason... Add to that, the emails reminding me of all of the "urgent" things that need to be done. *Sigh* 3:30 could not come soon enough.

Although I planned on staying late to complete paper work, I couldn't stand being at my job any longer. I just wanted to throw on my sweats, and curl up under my blankets. That rock just seemed to be getting heavier and colder. The closest this that I could find to those comforting blankets was a Grande, Soy Hot Chocolate with whipped cream. I crushed that thing on the bus ride home, thinking about all the things that need to be done... I should go to the gym, I'm supposed to meet with the FaithFit ladies at 7 for dinner, but all I want to do is stay home....

Today, it became VERY obvious that my mental/emotional health is very closely linked to my successful weight loss. Guys, as I make my way up 16th street, I will attempt to psych myself up and plan on eating a salad to counteract all of the damage that I did earlier today, but I'm not making any promises. I'll keep you all posted.....